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Posts Tagged ‘diet’

Most people familiar with bipolar disorder know that the disorder causes black-and-white thinking in those of us affected. I’m like that with almost every aspect of my life, but nowhere shows my line of thinking like my attitude toward food and consumables.

I have this unending disdain for food or other products that half-ass it in the name of health or a “better experience”. Why would I drink diet Coke when I can have the full thing? What’s the point, other than a few calories? If I was concerned about calories and grams of fat I wouldn’t be drinking pop, would I? Even though I have to keep my cholesterol levels down because of my Seroquel, I don’t worry about my diet the way I should. Part of my poor choices are a self-destructive form of rebellion against my faulty body. I know my body is not a sentient being; it can’t help the crappy genetics that led to hypothyroidism, endometriosis, and bipolar disorder. But for some reason I don’t want to admit that my body is limiting my lifestyle choices. I don’t want to admit that I’m not in control of my life, even though I know intellectually that I never was in control. My body is just a vehicle for my to use to live my life; it can’t choose anything, but I can.

The same thing goes for my cigarettes. I’m already sucking down chemicals, why not go the whole way with it? If I’m going to get cancer anyway, why would I smoke lights? It’s so ridiculously illogical that I’m somewhat embarrassed that I subscribe to that philosophy, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking it as I light up.

Something about the sense of pseudo-indulgence that’s “healthy” grates on my nerves. The “In for a penny, in for a pound” mentality dominates almost all of my food and drug intake decisions. I understand logically that extra fast food, full-fat dressing, and Camel filters will only lead to negative effects in my health later on, as well as the sluggy feeling that comes from taking crappy care of my body now, but I just can’t make myself live in that gray area.

I’m sure that one day I’ll see these actions for what they really are and start to take care of my health and body, but I don’t know when I’ll be ready. I need to stop holding my biology accountable for a simple matter of bad luck and stop being bitter about my less-than-perfect health. I need to start being an adult. But I still don’t know when I’ll be able to.

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