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Before I was medicated, I would climb out my second-storey window and sit on my roof during the nights that depression would hit the hardest. I would sing while watching the stars drift behind the clouds. I feel bad for my old neighbors; my dreadful singing was probably terrible to wake up to at 1AM. This is the verse I would usually belt out:

“I can’t stand myself
I can’t stand my life
I can’t stand in these six-inch heels anymore
And when I walk, I’m a cyclone
You should see it rolling open my heart
And emotions rip out of me, my emotions rip out of me
And when I walk I’m in high school
You should see the commotion of a hundred people drowning
And emotions inside of me”
– Liz Phair, “Hurricane Cindy”

I feel like it perfectly describes the conflict and lack of control that comes with bipolar and the pressures and fears that we all have.

I felt a type of freedom on my roof. No one would look for me there and it didn’t have the connotations of other people to make me feel judged, even without their presence. I wish I could get to the roof at my place now so I could feel that wildness and liberation again. I sort of hope that this is what the new year brings to me, even though I’m slightly afraid of it.

If you haven’t checked out Liz Phair’s earlier music, you should. Start with Exile in Guyville. She’s amazing.

Thank you for listening to me and have a great new year.

-Ashes

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